Sibling Loss and Navigating Grief by Marianne Gouveia

Losing someone you love creates immense pain and it is difficult to work through our deep feelings of grief.  When you lose a sibling, you face an especially challenging journey of healing.  Regardless of where you are in the birth order – younger or older — your experience and relationship with your sibling is unique to you.  And when they leave us too soon, we grieve.  But we are often left to grieve alone.  

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief – explains the difference between grieving and mourning .  . . 

“To grieve is to experience thoughts and feelings of loss inside you. If you loved your sibling, you will grieve. To mourn is to express your grief outside of yourself. Over time and with the support of others, to mourn is to heal.”

Our relationships with our siblings are not always perfect.  They can be complex yet layered with intense feelings of love. Your brother or sister could be your best friend and at the same time your rival. Nonetheless, we have a long history with our siblings and their death can shatter our world, leaving us to face a difficult and complex set of emotions.

Siblings are often considered the “forgotten mourners”.   Practitioners and researchers in the field of psychology have not studied the special relationship between siblings and how death impacts siblings. But here are some thoughts about how you can cope after the loss of your brother or sister.

• Recognize that you will grieve differently than others in your family, especially your parents. Try to allow yourself to support the family’s individual grief responses, but also recognize that you are also grieving.  Give yourself the time and space to sit with your grief and work through your own healing process. Allow yourself to mourn your loss openly and honestly and without judgment.
• Allow yourself to talk about your sibling and engage in memories by looking through photographs and videos. Sometimes this can be painful but remember that these painful feelings lead to healing and can also give you comfort.  Try to keep a box of “linking objects” so that  you can remember your brother or sister with feelings of love.
• You are the expert in your own grief.  You carry the knowledge of how your grief lives inside of you. Because of this, we often feel like others don’t understand our pain and we may tend to isolate ourselves.  
• While our grief is unique to us, there are others to have experienced similar losses and walked their own painful journey of loss. Finding these individuals who can bring compassion, empathy, and support can lead to healing.  Finding a community of like-minded grievers is an important part of the healing process because these relationships allow you to grief authentically.
• Last, remember that the love you shared with your sibling will never die.  Love is eternal.  And the same is true with your history and your memories.  You will always have them to remember what your brother or sister brought to your life.

Grief and love are two different sides of the same coin. Love on one side, and grief on the other.  I have lost three siblings to various illnesses, and while I miss them each and every day, I remember the immense love we shared and the memories of our lives together.  I also know that my grief is sacred, something which I hold in highest honor.  When I miss them – Jimmy, Lois, and Ree – I flip the coin and remember some of the best moments in my life are moments I shared with them. I wish the same for you.