Recently I have been re-reading Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK That You’re Not OK. As is often the case when I return to a book or podcast, I find that something always seems to land a little differently with me. This time, what really stood out was Devine’s discussion of pain versus suffering. She writes (and we all know this to be true) that pain is not optional. Losing your loved one will always hurt…our pain is proof that the bond continues to exist even in their absence. 

Suffering, however, is something different. Suffering comes from all of the extra layers – our own self-judgements, the “what ifs” and “should haves”, the expectation (either from ourselves or others) that we should be farther along or doing better.

Simply put, pain is unavoidable, but suffering often comes from the pressures we or others put on top of that pain. 

I notice this in myself when I allow myself to marinate in the unfairness of my son’s death or compare my loss to someone else’s seemingly idyllic life. I know that I am allowing my own suffering at those times. The pain is already heavy enough. Those other thoughts and judgments just make it even harder to carry. When I remind myself, “Of course I will always miss my son – how could I not?” I’m releasing the suffering even though the pain remains.

Other writers and grief podcasters talk about this too. I once read, “suffering is pain multiplied by resistance.” I understand that. When I fight the pain or try to push through, wishing it weren’t here, I find myself angry, agitated and depressed. But when I allow tears and waves of sadness, the other emotions abate.

When I cry without apologizing, notice when I’ve slipped into guilt or blame, take the time to sit with all of the sadness or reach out to someone who understands, my suffering is lessened.

What I continue to learn is that my pain and grief will always be with me because I love my son so very dearly. But suffering is something that I can soften. I can’t choose to erase my pain but I can choose to stop adding more weight to it. 

My hope is that you too, will give yourself permission to carry your pain without adding the extra burden of suffering on top of it. We don’t need to fight against our grief. We only need to find ways to live alongside with as much kindness toward ourselves as possible.