When we lose someone we love to suicide or substance use, the world cracks open in ways we could never have imagined or understood. In the months following my son’s death, everything felt raw and exposed. Certainly my heart was fractured and gone were joyous memories and confidence in my ability to navigate the world. Many friends and family members sincerely wanted to help… and they did.  But some others’ behaviors, words and questions left me feeling even more fragile.

Anyone walking through grief of this intensity and enormity needs to find space to breathe, feel and mourn. As I learned, finding that time and space required me to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is not selfish, isolating or unkind. When we are in deep grief, establishing boundaries is an act of love for ourselves that allows us the space we need to survive and eventually begin to heal. In other words, your boundaries should be designed to protect your healing and honor your grief.

Setting boundaries with others can be tricky or awkward especially when well-meaning friends and family offer advice or encourage you to move on. People may ask painful, intrusive or stigmatizing questions. In my case, my shattered self-confidence left me overwhelmed and speechless when these situations occurred.  So, I would encourage you to think ahead as to how you would like to respond to uncomfortable and inappropriate queries. You can be simple and direct, “I appreciate your concern and I am not ready to talk about that.”  Also, please allow yourself to skip events, ignore calls/texts and step away from heavy conversations when you deem necessary.

Boundaries also matter within the grieving process itself. You may feel internal or external pressure to ‘do grief the right way’ which may mean staying busy, being strong, or finding meaning/gratitude too quickly. If you feel this pressure, remind yourself that there is no timetable for healing. You can give yourself permission to rest, cry, pursue distractions and even laugh sometimes…all guilt-free.. Grief doesn’t follow stages or rules so your boundaries will evolve along your path.

Creating safe physical and emotional spaces can also support your healing. You might find a cozy corner in your home just for journaling or quiet time. Perhaps you’d walk outdoors, listen to favorite songs, or create a ritual that honors your loved one. These spaces can become sanctuaries where you can be with all of your emotions without judgement or interruptions.

As you seek support and help, please remember that not every form of support will fit your needs or personality. For example, you can say yes to a grief group but no to a social event. You can ask for practical help (such as meals, errands, yard work) while protecting your right to privacy around sharing your deepest pain. The people who truly care will respect your limits. You can remind yourself, and others if needed, that boundaries aren’t walls. They are doors that you get to open and close in your own time. 

Grievers don’t need to be open to everything and everyone. No one person is the ultimate authority on this process. Healing happens when you give yourself permission to sit with your broken heart, rest and rebuild within boundaries that feel safe and kind.